Santa Cruz, a.k.a. The Land of Self Actualization

The rednecks I come from convened in Santa Cruz this year, after almost a decade of family reunions held somewhere in the middle of nowhere in West Virginia. My cousin, who now lives in Oakland, got married to a guy that we all love named Justin. And, most of her bridesmaids and the officiating ... non-religiously affiliated person were all gay. It was a gay old time, really. And, since everyone wanted to be there for that, we just moved the whole damn reunion to Santa Cruz.

Not complaining!

One afternoon by the pool, my Aunt Lisa told me about the period of self actualization she has experienced over the past four years. She's a fascinating person, and her life experiences are pretty interesting. That phrase, "self actualization," really rang a bell with me.

I've told people several times that I'm not at all the person I was six months before my Mom died. That sucks, because most of the people I see regularly now didn't know me then. For quite some time I felt like I was operating as a shell of my former self. And, I'm sure I was. Before Mom died I knew she was in her last months. She knew, too. It was the most surreal, debilitating time of my life. The months after her death seemed so empty and so meaningless. I was in a relationship that was - in many ways - far superior to anything I'd ever experienced before. And, yet, so much was missing from my life. The life I led for the months after Mom's death was so unlike who I am and who I want to be that I don't even recognize it. Ironically, almost all the people that came into my life right after her death have phased themselves out on their own accord in parallel with a shift in my life back on track to the person I want to be. It's like a window of time where I lived someone else's life. It's not that I don't want to continue being friends with these people... but they've seen me at an absolute worst that surpasses anything I could've ever anticipated and in such a way that I've been incredibly humbled by how publicly broken I can be.

Even though I know that all of that crap was an experience that I needed to grow, it's a little difficult to not look back and cringe. I'll admit it - I'm somewhat embarrassed. I remember telling someone that I never knew what it was like for the whole of me to feel empty, insecure and purposeless before this experience. I have had a great desire to somehow be perceived by these people as the person I am without that period of my life - without the impressions I made and the persona I created with all that.... stuff.

Oh well. I'm over it, for the most part. I got over caring what people think about me and have, in large part, shed the insecurities and concern for other's judgment over me and really gotten past waiting to get it right.


Being with my family over the past week put things in perspective for me in a new way. I feel a little more outside of my own head. My focus has shifted, and I feel ready to take advantage of my potential and to do the things I really want to do. I'm not nearly as worried as I was. And, I'm happy. REALLY happy.

During that same conversation by the pool, I made an observation about the differences between the way that men and women are raised to deal with weight issues. My other anut, Murk, seemed really surprised and impressed with my comment. She asked, "where did you get that?" It was all me! haha. I realized that I really do get people. I understand how people think, and that's a gift that not everyone has. It means that I'm an actor of greater worth than I've been giving myself credit for... and, it's a bit of a wake-up call. I need to be using this gift.

Until about two weeks ago I was so overwhelmed with everything that I wanted to be doing that I was hardly making any progress. Now, for some reason, I'm not in as much of a hurry. I mean, I AM still in a hurry - but not a rush. I'm more capable of focusing on something specific and narrowing it all down to singular next steps. This is perfect, because everything seems to be taking off. The forward-looking feelings I'm getting are good ones, and I'm excited.

Change, Part 2(.0)

I started writing this on 5/29 and never finished it - mostly because I got over some of the the feelings that I was fleshing out. It meant a lot to me at the time, though, so I thought I'd clean it up and post it.

Since I discussed change in a blog over a month ago, a lot of things have... changed.

I tend to re-discover that I "wasn't getting it up until now" about every month or so. It's crazy rediculousness. The refreshing part is that I've found this to be incredibly normal among people in their teens and twenties. Turns out, I'm not nuts after all.

What changed?
I've returned to my long-time friend, Singledom.
I've recieved a petty distribution from my mom's estate (which was so weird, more on that later).
I've started a new job - which I absolutely love.
I finished shooting the short I'm producing.
I got my first (and, hopefully my last) ticket in California - not to worry, it's a fix-it.
My professional development outside of my day job has gone into high gear.

...among many other things. Needless to say, it's been amazing parade of hurt, confusion, sadness, loneliness, elation, satisfaction, joy, affirmation and growth.

My coworker and I were talking at lunch the other day about life's challenges. I told her that I believe "these things" happen because you're able to handle them and need them in order to grow. The deeper you are emotionally (which you can not avoid) and the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to have to deal with tough hurtles. In recent months I've grown to somewhat resent people who have a general practice of avoidance when it has an effect on me for any number of reasons. Simply put - and this is from personal experience - avoidance and denial hurt you AND the ones around you.

A friend of mine from high school wrote to me about change that, "shook my world, but when the pieces fell, they were in a shape I preferred." She poured it all out and told me that, "I admire you for the life that you are living. It is yours. You are a wonderful, intelligent man and you live with the strength that many only dream about."

Um, wow. I know that I can't convince everyone (or, anyone?) that I'm NOT posting that quote in service to my ego... but I'm not. haha. I can't really express how much I needed to know that someone believed in me in that moment.

I can't tell you how much it means to me to be someone who inspires someone - to live a life that someone admires. I certainly don't think about it that way, but to have someone think those things is certainly... fucking awesome. haha.


Honestly, I have never loved who I am and who I'm becoming more. It's not without lots of painful moments and decisions that were hard to make. It's certainly not without having to decide to spare myself over playing the field set by another person in my life - a practice that I previously indulged in with many. I'm still pretty raw over losses that I've incurred over the past six months, but it's not been for naught. The days and weeks at a time where I didn't know who I was, where I was going or how I was going to survive have taught me so many lessons.

Also, I think I might have a double-disc, guy-with-a-guitar album to write now.


I've spent a lot of time missing someone this year. Not just one someone - several someones. Last night, I had a dream that I was hanging out with my mom, post mortem. It was like she was all her, but not living. She was walking around and talking to people and doing things... we talked about weather or not dead people go to the bathroom and she gave me the low down on the truth about heaven and hell. She was my mom - the one I miss. She was a friend and a confidant. She was supportive and nuturing. It was just like she'd always been here, and always been her awesome self. Just, not of the living. She was everywhere I went in my dreams last night, and it was awesome to have her around, just to hang out with.

I miss my mom a lot.

That's how far I got. Almost two months later, I look back at how I felt then and I'm so glad that I've grown as much as I have since then. That point in life really fucking sucked. But, that's what life is all about! I think I'm finally in a place where I can stop looking inward so much and pay more attention to the rest of the world. Believe it or not, I'm actually becoming a little more humble. haha. :) More on that in my next post.

Thanks for reading.

Once more, with feeling.

I haven't blogged since April.

Not okay.

So, where the hell have I been? Oh, you know, here and there. Just, living life. I've noticed that when I blog I tend to recap my life in generalizations. So, I thought I would wait to blog until something specific happened. I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't work that way.

I'm watching the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family and recovering from yesterday. Several friends and grilled on the beach all day and enjoyed around six firework shows across the south bay. It was ridiculous. We beached just under the LAX landing pattern, and huge jets were taking off right above us all day. It was awesome. Seriously, the best 4th of July ever.

My little brother gets here on Tuesday and I'm stoked. A week after he gets here we're taking the PCH up to Los Gatos for our family reunion/our cousin's wedding. I'm really, really excited to get out of LA for a little bit and be surrounded by people who have known me and loved me since I was born. It'll be awesome... even if it is in the mountains. haha.

Tonight, I'm going out with Chris and his boyfriend who's visiting from New York. Ah, the irony of life.

See you crazy cats later. :P

Ryan