Change, Part 2(.0)

I started writing this on 5/29 and never finished it - mostly because I got over some of the the feelings that I was fleshing out. It meant a lot to me at the time, though, so I thought I'd clean it up and post it.

Since I discussed change in a blog over a month ago, a lot of things have... changed.

I tend to re-discover that I "wasn't getting it up until now" about every month or so. It's crazy rediculousness. The refreshing part is that I've found this to be incredibly normal among people in their teens and twenties. Turns out, I'm not nuts after all.

What changed?
I've returned to my long-time friend, Singledom.
I've recieved a petty distribution from my mom's estate (which was so weird, more on that later).
I've started a new job - which I absolutely love.
I finished shooting the short I'm producing.
I got my first (and, hopefully my last) ticket in California - not to worry, it's a fix-it.
My professional development outside of my day job has gone into high gear.

...among many other things. Needless to say, it's been amazing parade of hurt, confusion, sadness, loneliness, elation, satisfaction, joy, affirmation and growth.

My coworker and I were talking at lunch the other day about life's challenges. I told her that I believe "these things" happen because you're able to handle them and need them in order to grow. The deeper you are emotionally (which you can not avoid) and the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to have to deal with tough hurtles. In recent months I've grown to somewhat resent people who have a general practice of avoidance when it has an effect on me for any number of reasons. Simply put - and this is from personal experience - avoidance and denial hurt you AND the ones around you.

A friend of mine from high school wrote to me about change that, "shook my world, but when the pieces fell, they were in a shape I preferred." She poured it all out and told me that, "I admire you for the life that you are living. It is yours. You are a wonderful, intelligent man and you live with the strength that many only dream about."

Um, wow. I know that I can't convince everyone (or, anyone?) that I'm NOT posting that quote in service to my ego... but I'm not. haha. I can't really express how much I needed to know that someone believed in me in that moment.

I can't tell you how much it means to me to be someone who inspires someone - to live a life that someone admires. I certainly don't think about it that way, but to have someone think those things is certainly... fucking awesome. haha.


Honestly, I have never loved who I am and who I'm becoming more. It's not without lots of painful moments and decisions that were hard to make. It's certainly not without having to decide to spare myself over playing the field set by another person in my life - a practice that I previously indulged in with many. I'm still pretty raw over losses that I've incurred over the past six months, but it's not been for naught. The days and weeks at a time where I didn't know who I was, where I was going or how I was going to survive have taught me so many lessons.

Also, I think I might have a double-disc, guy-with-a-guitar album to write now.


I've spent a lot of time missing someone this year. Not just one someone - several someones. Last night, I had a dream that I was hanging out with my mom, post mortem. It was like she was all her, but not living. She was walking around and talking to people and doing things... we talked about weather or not dead people go to the bathroom and she gave me the low down on the truth about heaven and hell. She was my mom - the one I miss. She was a friend and a confidant. She was supportive and nuturing. It was just like she'd always been here, and always been her awesome self. Just, not of the living. She was everywhere I went in my dreams last night, and it was awesome to have her around, just to hang out with.

I miss my mom a lot.

That's how far I got. Almost two months later, I look back at how I felt then and I'm so glad that I've grown as much as I have since then. That point in life really fucking sucked. But, that's what life is all about! I think I'm finally in a place where I can stop looking inward so much and pay more attention to the rest of the world. Believe it or not, I'm actually becoming a little more humble. haha. :) More on that in my next post.

Thanks for reading.